This might sound pessimistic, but there were times the worst case scenario already played in my mind. For that, I made sure you would know if something really bad happened to me.
After thinking about it, I am officially taking a break and this blog will go on an indefinite semi-hiatus. This means I will probably check this blog from some time to time, but don’t expect any content soon.
As for the reason, well... I have come to some kind of self-realization. My current life is quite a mess now and I feel kinda lost. The path I thought I wanted to pursue... turned out to be something I was just forcing myself onto, because that’s what people expect from me. The path that after wandering aimlessly I found... seems to be far harder to follow than the one expected from me. What’s more, I don’t think people around me really support me in this decision. In fact, I realized most people misunderstand me a lot. It could be because of my nature, I am not sure how I come off here, but in reality, I am sometimes so afraid to talk. So when I talk, some people start thinking that I don’t have friends (yep, there are some people like that who don’t give you a chance to express yourself because you are not their „friend“).
My parents also misunderstand me way too much and always make me feel bad, as if I was the only one making mistakes (it also doesn’t help when they repeat the same mistake I made 5 times a day). I already know that it’s my mistake and I know they always want the best for me, but why always pin the fault on me and not on others as well? It’s not like my sister doesn’t make any mistakes either. But I guess being the oldest means you need to be perfect so those younger than you (aka siblings) will follow your example (that was sarcasm at my finest, which is lately never). Basically, it’s been a bit hard, this pressure. As I am trying to express myself more (mind you, I used to be shy and not talking much), I also get more depressed as there aren’t that many people who support me.
Some of my „freidns“ also turned out to take me as obviousness, I was a good listener, but do they even care how I am feeling at the moment?
But overall, it’s not that bad, this self-realization period. Yes, it tires the hell out of me, maybe even more than before I reached this period, but it’s worth it. I finally realized that I can’t please everyone, even if I want to. Which is why, I want to fight for how I live, follow the dream I really want and do things that make ME happy. I’m trying to live for myself and not others, which isn’t something people around who took me as someone who „obviously will help even if it displeases her“ are used to (no wonder they are calling me selfish, although I continue to look after them). Still, it’s also not easy to go out of my comfort zone and try to do things I am not used to, even more so when people laugh at me trying my best. But you know what? The one who laughs at others is actually the one who doesn’t even have the courage to try his best and is trying to pull others down with them. So, if you ever see someone struggling, even if you find it kind of annoying, don’t judge them. Instead, help them. You don’t know their story and they are trying their best to live.
Aside from this, well... I need to concentrate more on studies... because „high school diploma“. And I just got a part time job, too. GG, me, GG.
So, for all those reasons, I don’t really have time, motivation or energy to run this blog.
I hope you understand my reasons and respect my decisions. There aren’t that many people I can really share this to and I doubt everyone would be interested in my life, but my ilusion of being able to share at least some of my deepest thoughts somewhere is enough for me, even if I know this is by no means the safest place.
Well then... for the last words, I hope you are happy with your life. If you aren’t, then don’t give up and fight, even if it means standing alone. No one can live your life, so don’t let expectations bother you. Just remember, as long as you are trying your best, you are doing well. Fighting!